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Old 19-Feb-15, 21:48
tom_d tom_d is offline
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Unhappy (Grappling) Finally lost to a woman, suddenly hate it!? Fetish & Reality?

Hey guys I'm in a weird situation and hope to hear some thoughts

Like most of you I have a strong fetish for muscular strong women, mixed wrestling and so on.
I'm training grappling (first some Judo, then BJJ) since I was a teenager (I'm 22 now) so over the years I sparred several girls and women but I never got that 'beat by a girl' experience that would fulfill my fantasies.
Sure some were tough but when I had to face girls in competition I always won and in sparring it was like 'OK they are strong but when I really go 100% I beat them'.
Sometimes I would hold back a little bit so that they could win or gain a good position. I enjoyed that but at the end of the day I knew that I didn't really get beat by a girl and it was somewhat unsatisfying, I always wanted to experience that feeling.
The two times that I actually rolled with women who were better than me and could have beaten me ( famous BJJ black belt champions) they were friendly during the roll, kept smiling and giving me instructions what to do, so we both rolled very technical and friendly, it was more learning than fighting so it wasn't that 'got my ass kicked' experience.


That changed ~ 2 weeks ago when I fought/sparred a young female bodybuilder/judoka in our competition class.
During that 6 minutes basically everything happened what is part of our fantasies (at least in theory).

- A fight against a more muscular, stronger girl
- 100% competitive
- She was good looking in a way
- I definitively lost, plain and simple, without fuss or quibble.
Our competition class is basically a simulated tournament once a week, there is a rule set, a point system and other students score the sparring and I lost resounding, I basically have it black and white with a score.
- It wasn't even close she pretty much dominated me, was stronger, better, faster
-She came across extremely arrogant about it, said things which you could almost call taunting (well not really but telling me that she won, counting her own points..)

So it was everything that I dreamed of for years in my fantasies and you would expect that it was like the best day in my life…
BUT

When it actually happened I didn't like it one bit.
I had the same feelings that a 'normal' person would have when loosing to a girl, even more negative.

I was embarrassed by loosing to a girl.
I hoped that most people didn't see it.
I felt unmanly.
I was angry at her for fighting so aggressive when it was already clear that she won.
I was really angry at her for her arrogant behavior.
During the fight when she caused me pain with something or fought overly aggressive I didn't enjoy it but felt aggressive towards her and insulted her in my thoughts.

When I watched her beat other guys later I didn't enjoy it (what I normally would, I watch wrestling videos all the time) but literally thought hopefully somebody kicks her ass.
When she finally lost to a guy, that was the moment were I felt kind of relieved.

It's completely weird, I was waiting for something like that for years, then everything that I dreamed of happens in real life and I hate it.
I would understand it in the heat of the moment (that's what I initially thought) but it had not changed since then.
When I think about it (and I do so very often) I feel still embarrassed but not sexually aroused.
I don't have the wish to get beat up again I rather want to fight her again and beat her to balance my ego out.

Weird isn't it? Did you ever have some similar experience or heard something like that? What do you think about it?
The thing is I never had a problem with my fetish, I knew what I like and it was OK, now I don't know what's up and what I actually want.
It's almost as if she beat my sexuality out of me, I feel asexual now.
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  #2  
Old 19-Feb-15, 21:55
nicepuppy nicepuppy is offline
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Default Re: (Grappling) Finally lost to a woman, suddenly hate it!? Fetish & Reality?

Interesting turn of events. Thank you for sharing...it sounds like it might not have been easy to relate.

Your experience suggests that fantasies are often just that: fantasies.

At the risk of belittling your situation (and I do not mean to do so), I will make the comparison to 50 Shades of Gray...apparently many women have fantasies of being dominated, but my thinking is that a very small percentage would enjoy meeting Mr. Gray in real life.

A couple questions, if you do not mind. Would your experience have been different if you had actually wanted to lose, rather than been trying to win? Would it have been different if you were romantically attracted to this woman and there were a sexual element to the match?
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Old 19-Feb-15, 21:56
freestylefan freestylefan is offline
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Default Re: (Grappling) Finally lost to a woman, suddenly hate it!? Fetish & Reality?

I feel for you!
My suggestion is to avoid such competitions in future.
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Old 19-Feb-15, 22:15
tom_d tom_d is offline
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Default Re: (Grappling) Finally lost to a woman, suddenly hate it!? Fetish & Reality?

Quote:
Originally Posted by nicepuppy [Only Registered Users Can See LinksClick Here To Register]
apparently many women have fantasies of being dominated, but my thinking is that a very small percentage would enjoy meeting Mr. Gray in real life.
Yes, but I already grappled with strong girls before, in reality and I liked it, I always wished they were a little bit stronger...
Quote:
A couple questions, if you do not mind. Would your experience have been different if you had actually wanted to lose, rather than been trying to win?
Well that is the weird part of it. When I sparred other girls before and had to hold back I always though 'no that's not quite it'.
I always thought what I really want is a loss in a fully competitive match, that's what my fantasies were about, try to win against a woman but getting overpowered.
I only watch competitive matches.
That's what I tried to explain: what happened was pretty much exactly what I dreamed of, as if 'God' or whatever created that situation for me.
And my actual feelings were complete opposite to my fantasies.
Quote:
Would it have been different if you were romantically attracted to this woman and there were a sexual element to the match?
No that's the thing, this competition-like, real battle was exactly what I always wanted, then I got it and hated it.

It's basically like a 'normal' guy wants to have sex with a woman, finally gets laid and hates sex?
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Old 20-Feb-15, 00:23
enigma enigma is offline
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Default Re: (Grappling) Finally lost to a woman, suddenly hate it!? Fetish & Reality?

-A lot of guys only get turned on by this sort of thing retroactively. While its actually happening and even soon afterwards all they feel is anger and frustration. Its only later that the memory becomes erotic.

-Adding on to what nicepuppy said sometimes theres only certain aspects of a fantasy that you'd actually want to act out. Like I might fantasize about losing to a girl in front of a crowd but thats one aspect I wouldn't want to actually live. If its private its a different story because a private experience can always stay private but a public one can bring humiliation that follows you.

-Did you not expect to feel embarrassment when a girl beat you? I know for many of us that feeling of embarrassment is often apart of the fantasy though experiencing it in real life for the first time can be jarring and uncomfortable.
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Old 20-Feb-15, 00:46
tom_d tom_d is offline
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Default Re: (Grappling) Finally lost to a woman, suddenly hate it!? Fetish & Reality?

Quote:
Originally Posted by enigma [Only Registered Users Can See LinksClick Here To Register]
-A lot of guys only get turned on by this sort of thing retroactively. While its actually happening and even soon afterwards all they feel is anger and frustration. Its only later that the memory becomes erotic.
OK, it happened only one and a half week ago so this is definitely still a possibility, maybe it changes.

Quote:
. If its private its a different story because a private experience can always stay private but a public one can bring humiliation that follows you.
Did you not expect to feel embarrassment when a girl beat you? I know for many of us that feeling of embarrassment is often apart of the fantasy though experiencing it in real life for the first time can be jarring and uncomfortable.
Well I expected a mix of feelings, but I missed any arousal at all, I also can't explain or didn't expect to be mad at the girl.
You know before that sparring I sometimes let girls win by holding back, other guys probably saw that as well.
What really seems to make the difference is that I know I couldn't have won this time, it's some strange problem with my own ego which seems to outweigh any erotic aspect.

It's hard to say what I actually want to hear but I'm just confused right now, I mean sexuality in whatever form is something important and pleasant, but right now I don't know what I want and it's distracting, I feel a little bit lost.
It's just like my sexual preferences are suddenly gone without any replacement.
Thank you for your thoughts!
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Old 20-Feb-15, 01:08
boyofwinter boyofwinter is offline
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Default Re: (Grappling) Finally lost to a woman, suddenly hate it!? Fetish & Reality?

I'm guessing what happened to you is the thing session girls talk about sometimes when clients lose it, suddenly starting to fight dirty etc. The fantasy is that you get challenged by a strong/nice looking girl but in the end you still best her. You convince yourself that you wanted her to be better because that means you would also be better to have beaten her. I'll leave the related psychology out of this. For a lot of us we didn't have the fantasy first, something happened and like Enigma says our brain later decided that we liked it. I know that for me it was being overmatched by a girl I'd previously had a major crush on and eventually realizing that the things that let her dominate me physically were the same things that had made her sexy for me beforehand. From that perspective, what happened was actually ok and maybe even fun.
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Old 20-Feb-15, 01:29
girlylegs girlylegs is offline
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Default Re: (Grappling) Finally lost to a woman, suddenly hate it!? Fetish & Reality?

I was searching and I don't see a "First time" thread related to this topic. Everyone gets their cherry popped by some girl.
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Old 20-Feb-15, 01:29
enigma enigma is offline
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Default Re: (Grappling) Finally lost to a woman, suddenly hate it!? Fetish & Reality?

Quote:
Originally Posted by boyofwinter [Only Registered Users Can See LinksClick Here To Register]
I'm guessing what happened to you is the thing session girls talk about sometimes when clients lose it, suddenly starting to fight dirty etc. The fantasy is that you get challenged by a strong/nice looking girl but in the end you still best her. You convince yourself that you wanted her to be better because that means you would also be better to have beaten her.
Thats a great point. I know many guys who love the idea of a woman that can challenge them and not even necessarily in a physical sense, just in general. Its like they want a woman who can challenge their masculinity only for them to reaffirm it when they overcome them.

I think a similar thing might apply here that, its really the threat of losing to a girl and not actually losing that they like but I can see how someone might confuse the two.
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Old 20-Feb-15, 01:34
girlylegs girlylegs is offline
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Default Re: (Grappling) Finally lost to a woman, suddenly hate it!? Fetish & Reality?

I imagine the first time probably goes like this. You struggle a bit but think you'll overcome. You get tapped. Whoops. Well that was luck. I screwed up and got caught. It won't happen again. Then it happens again. It might still be luck right? and then it happens again. And now your confidence takes a permanent hit.
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