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Old 29-Aug-15, 16:15
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MonkeyFreed MonkeyFreed is offline
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'This story is based on a real person but a fictional version of them. Everyone else is fictional.'

I am a rich man. My name is Klaus Sherman. I am an average man, at 5'9, had grating dark hair, and was probably 162 pounds of workout muscle. I have made millions from my company, amassing a fortune worthy of a king. Well today, I learned something. My father, who gave me everything on his death bed, made a stupid article in his will. On the 25th year of his death, he wants to give to all the people who need it. He wanted me to give away 500 million dollars to charity. If I didn't, I would lose everything! I was wondering what to do. Losing 500 million would hurt me, but I had to do it. That's why I had highly trained lawyers comb through the will, finding a loophole. I was at my beach house, waiting for the news, while I was being fed crabs imported from a Caribbean island, drinking wine able to make any man bend to its will, and a Cuban cigar in one hand, and a Cuban girl in the other. My bodyguard, Dominic Carter, was just behind me. He was wearing a suit, but that's not what was weird about him. It was that he had scars all over his face. He was easily 6'10, and weighed 295 pounds. He used to be an underground fighter, winning hundreds of fights before I hired him. It's said that if he stayed in the underground ring, even Yuri would have lost to him. Course, as Dominic told me, Yuri wasn't so tough. Apparently, Kate Upton kicked his ass about 2 months ago. Hilarious. I smoked my cigar, with the Cuban girl whispering Spanish flirts in my ear. That's when I saw a man running at me. Dominic was suddenly at his neck, almost like he teleported. He lifted the man overhead, almost ready to snap his neck.

"Dominic, he's a lawyer."

Dominic dropped him, and the lawyer was trying to breath. I let him have ten seconds to regain composer. I was a demanding man, but even I knew Dominic could crush someone's throat with a simple amount of pressure. The lawyer was beginning to utter actual words.

"S...sir... We found a loophole..."

I clapped my hands, and leaned in, ready to hear it.

"You... Need to host a charity for 500 million! That part is something we can't change... But it never said you had to PAY the amount."

"Really?!"

"Yes. You just need to host a celebrity charity. 500 million is a lot though, so you'll need to still pay, but we believe you only need to pay somewhere between 5% or 10%, if you succeed in this charity."

I was smiling from ear to ear, and I stood up. I snapped my finger, and Dominic handed me a phone. I dialed some numbers, and went to it.

"Yes... Yeah, I need stuff. Lots of things that scream 'Help the orphans' or some shit like that, and I need it by the end of the month. Can you do that? Good."

I hanged up the phone, and handed it to Dominic. He took it, and I grabbed the lawyer, pressing him close.

"So Mr. Lawyer..."

"My name is..."

"Don't tell me, I don't give a shit. Tell me... Aids, orphans, or something obscure?"

-

It's been about a month, and the charity ball was perfect! My mansion was hosting dozens of events, all to have the many celebrities, politicians, royalty, and CEO's enjoy it. I might have spent a few million, but it was better then spending 500 million! I was greeting my guest in my mansion, which was packed with some of the richest people in the world. At this rate, we might actually exceed the 500 million amount, and I won't have to pay an extra cent to this charity. That's when I saw the blight in this room. A fat man in a bad suit came to me, and shook my hand.

"Thank you so much Mr. Sherman, we here at Blue Care are thrilled that you picked us for the charity! 500 million to help the cause of war orphans in Africa? We hadn't had something this big in years! Thank you so much!"

"Well... You are welcome Mr. Fl..."

"No! Call me Garret! What you're doing here, is wonderful. Now, if you excuse me, I see a pool table with my name. Wait... Do you have a blindfold?"

"A blindfold?"

"Yes, the official pool league said that I'm to competitively play blindfolded, with one arm, and have one leg up to be fair to my opponents. World pool champion 5 years in a row."

I pointed left, and he walked towards it, happy. I just face palmed, and thought about that awful name. Blue Care?! Who came up with crap like that? That's when my 36 foot tall doors were kicked open, and two people walked out. They were the strangest people I've ever seen. One was wearing a Mexican poncho, with a sombrero, and had a Jason mask on. He looked to be my size, and was holding an electrical guitar. He struck a chord, and smashed the guitar on the ground. The person next to him was a giant hulking creature with green oozing skin, had scars all over it, wore a military outfit, and was holding a machine gun. Dominic and some of my bodyguards aimed guns at them, and the Jason one freaked out, pulling an invitation out.

"WE'RE INVITED!"

Dominic slowly walked to him, and grabbed the invitation. He read it, and nodded. He looked to the large creature, and pointed at the machine gun.

"No weapons."

The giant creature growled, but grabbed it, and walked out. He came back weapon less, with the Mexican Jason only patting the creature.

"That's okay Nemesis, it's okay to throw your guns in the sun, I'll just buy you a new one."

Nemesis perked up, and clapped his friends hands. Mexican Jason sprinted at me, and when he was face to face with me, he curtsied.

"I am glad to meet you! I'm the owner of the Global Battle Olympics, minor movie director, and shareholder of a company called Umbrella. Basically, I'm an all around Z-list celebrity, but I am rich."

"Well... Okay... You're name?"

"MonkeyFreed."

DAFUQ KIND OF NAME IS THAT?!

"May I please ask why you're named that?"

"Well my mom was a monkey..."

"Never mind! I mean... Thank you for coming... MonkeyFreed."

"Please, that's my father's name. Call me Sir MonkeyFreed the third, god King of all he sees, and lord imperialist of Southern Asia. Or you could just call me Freed."

"Well... Freed, all guest must give a donation to stay here..."

"Of course! Nemesis! Hand him the briefcase!"

What briefcase?! That's when Nemesis ripped into his stomach, and pulled out a briefcase. One patron vomited, and I was absolutely horrified. Nemesis handed Freed a briefcase, and Freed opened it, revealing a huge mound of cash.

"1 million dollars."

I stared at it, and I noticed something. It was all 1$ bills.

"My accountants will hate you."

"I know. The hate of accountants fuel me."

Freed laughed, and clapped me on the back. I was creeped out by him, and wanted him to leave, but I knew kicking him out after he gave me money in front of people would make me look bad. Some journalist are here, and if they take a picture of me doing that, I'm screwed. So I just have to deal with the idiot.

"So... The outfit? Why that?"

"I've been wearing this since Halloween."

"That's been months."

"Oh! You thought last year... I mean since my FIRST Halloween."

Oh god, i'm talking to the worst person here, and the person next to him is an abomination. I needed to get them out of sight, and out of mind.

"So... Would you like to..."

"Jump on your priceless chandelier, and ride it?! Thank you good sir, and I hope your children have a good harvest!"

"I don't have..."

Freed runs off, and Nemesis looks to me.

"ABSHTSHWNSGAKAKMSOAPAOSSHGSHWNSGSAJANAJAK!"

Nemesis walked away, and Sam Elliot leaned to me.

"He said that he enjoys your home, and hopes the charity is successful. He also apologizes for carrying a deadly weapon into your beautiful home, and apologizes for tFreed's behavior. He's his guardian, but Freed pretends that he's his butler."

"You gathered all that?"

"Please. I'm fluent in garbled language."

Sam Elliot walks away, putting on a cowboy hat, and walking to the sunset. Credits would appear if this was a movie. I shook my head, and heard a crash. I turned around, and saw Freed destroyed my chandelier. I was red faced, and was about to scream.

"I'll pay!"

"THAT WAS 20 MILLION!"

"Okay."

I was taken aback, and walked to him.

"Wait... How rich are you?"

Freed took his phone out, and checked his bank accounts. He showed me, and I nearly fainted.

"Why are you so... Rich?"

"Hahahahahahahahahahahahhaahhahahahahahahahahaha.. . I can't answer that."

He took his phone back, and ran.

"RUN BEFORE HE ASKS FOR MORE MONEY!"

Nemesis ran after Freed, and I was wondering how this event could get any weirder. I was tapped on the shoulder, and turned around. There, a small girl was there. Wait... No, she was Ariana grande. She just looked so small, I mistook her for a 13 year old. She was wearing a white dress, was easily 5 foot nothing, had her hair tied up in a bun, and she was smiling.

"I'm glad to be here mister Sherman, and I wanted you to have this."

She handed me a check, and I looked at it. 2 million for the charity. I smiled, and patted her.

"Thank you very much."

Shit... I did what I did when a small child was next to his parent when they gave me a check! I hope she isn't offended. Instead, she looked weirded out, and I cough.

"I have to..."

"Yeah... Me too..."

We walked away, and I slapped the check against my face. Dominic was on the phone, and turned it off. He walked to me, and whispered in my ear.

"Sir... We have a problem."

"What?"

"Our 'main guest' had sea food poisoning, and can't come."

Shit! He was our number one attraction! Wait... I hated to say this... But I knew one man who could save this event.

-Ariana Grande-

I came hearing about the charity, and wanted to help with all my power. I came with half a million, hoping that could help. Then the host creeped me out, and I wondered what the hell I was doing here. I decided I needed a drink, when I saw a strange sight. A man in a poncho and a sombrero with a hockey mask was talking to a guy who was making sandwiches.

"Well Barry, I want all your Jill sandwiches. I heard you're the master of making sandwiches, so I want them all perfect. If done so, I promise to give you something more precious then money... I shall give you my appreciation."

"Pay or get out."

"Fine."

The man paid for the sandwiches, and stuffed a bunch down his poncho. He was about to open his mask... When he turned around, stuffed the sand which down his throat, and turned around, with his mouth full of sandwich, and has his face covers up.

"Mm... Tastes like lead. Wait..."

The guy noticed me, and he got close, looking me up and down.

"Wait... Didn't we go to high-school together?"

"I don't know... What do you look like under that outfit?"

"I wore this during high-school."

"Oooooooooooookay... I have to go..."

I walked away, and saw him turn around to eat his sandwich. I saw a large man come towards me, and he bumped into me. I hit the floor, and looked up.

"Hey, watch it!"

"Get over it."

He walked away, and I wanted to kick his ass. He went to that one guy, and he saw him trying to feed a frog a Jill sandwich.

"The trick is trying to make it think the sandwich is a tasty fly!"

"Sure, whatever the hell you say. Look, we need a fighter, and a good one. It's for a charity event."

The man stood up, and eyed the man. The jerk was massive, easily dwarfing the freak, and that freak easily dwarfed me. Yet, the freak looked like he was about to kick ass.

"You think... I can just grab a guy, who's probably at his sons piano recital for the first time, and tell him 'No, you have to ditch your son, or you will lose your job?' You DARE assume I would even THINK about doing something so cruel?! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?!"

"I'm..."

"Okay, I'll do it. NEMESIS!"

Nemesis was getting a tiger face painting, and ran to the freak. Nemesis was something I would always remember if I wanted to have a daily dose of nightmare fuel. The jerk saw Nemesis, looked up, and actually looked scared.

"I... I don't get paid enough to do this..."

"Oh! You won't be fighting Nemesis! He wouldn't hurt a fly... But he will slaughter any other living organism. I mention that because I want a show, not a blood bath. So I have a plan, if my fighter loses, you guys get 500 million dollars, and I will also never appear on your place ever again. But if my fighter wins... You get 500 million dollars... AND YOUR BOSS MUST HAVE A PERM!"

The jerk just stared at the crazy psycho, and face palmed.

"Sure... Whatever... Who do you want to fight?"

"Easy. Her."

He pointed at me, and did a thumbs up.

"She can do it!"

The jerk looked at me, and smirked.

"Her? Really? Normally I would say no... But 500 million is a lot... Well, boss doesn't have to know it's 500 mil, just 100..."

"I like how you think. Go tell him about the fight!"

The jerk walked away, and the freako curtsied to me.

"So, ready to kick butt?"

"How could I fight a guy that..."

"Don't lie, it makes you look funny."

I was taken aback, and couldn't think. He knew? But how? I didn't do anything like that in months! I began to sweat a little, and he nudged me.

"I have friends in high places. Why do you think the secretary of defense has a yacht?"

"You bribed a government official?!"

"For good! My good!"

He laughed, and slapped his knee, and grabbed my shoulders, and shook me.

"Now go on and win, fight for the feminist rights to wear pants on Sunday's or something, because I need to see a man forced to wear a perm."

He pushed me, and I punched him. He hit the ground, and his giant friend dragged him away. The creature looked back at me, and growled.

"Ajaysgabahayakaakaoapaksht."

Sam Elliot appeared from behind him.

"If you don't do it for this jackass, do it for the children. They do need the money."

Sam Elliot walked away, jumping on a rhino, and riding off. Ariana had a tear in her eyes, and wiped it away.

"Sam Elliot is right!"

The big guy was offended, and fell to his hands and knees.

"I have to save the orphans! I'm going to beat the living shit out of a man... FOR THE ORPHANS!"

-Dominic Carter-

I was in a dressing room, taking off my clothes and putting on shorts. My muscles were massive, and full of tattoos. One tattoo for every fight I won. I lost count after the 75th tattoo. I flexed my muscles, and started to stretch. I expected to chase Ariana round the ring, waiting to crush her. I heard the door knock, and opened it. Klaus was there, giddy, and rubbing his hand. Looking at him made me want to crush him, but I just grunted.

"Yes sir?"

"500 million... Yes... I just hope no women gets pissed when they learn how we got it... But 500 million.. Yes..."

"I could lose..."

"And get a perm?! HELL TO THE NO! YOU WIN!"

Wonder what his thing was with perms. I got up, and walked past Klaus. Klaus stopped me.

"Try not to kill her."

"I'll try."

Just a few punches should be enough. I walked into the hallway, and went to the basement. It was massive, with a large mat in the center. A few rich men and women were there, wearing masks. Didn't want people knowing that an illegal fight was happening, and get caught if spotted. Except Klaus. He didn't give a crap. Klaus walked in the center, and pointed at me.

"Today, we have a David V.S Goliath fight! Expect David doesn't have his rock this time! Our 'Goliath' is my bodyguard Dominic. He has a history as a dangerous fighter, and is no stranger to this. People say he could have been the only man to stop Yuri 'The beast from the west'. At 6'10, and a shocking 295 pounds of muscle, most men dream of him in nightmares."

I heard clapping, and noticed some women were more then impressed by my size, I puffed my chest up, and I heard the women chattering among themselves. We heard a trumpet, and saw Freed come in, playing a trumpet.

"Yeah yeah yeah! Domiwhothehellcares is alright... But my 'David' will kick his ass like he posted a 'kick me' sign on it! My fighter is at the shocking, terrifying, to be feared... At 5 feet tall, and at 106 pounds... She is to be feared! People call her by her name, I call her... 'LA BADASS!'"

He threw the trumpet in the air, and Nemesis punched it into a wall. Ariana walked through the corridor, and came into sight. Her hair was in a pony tail, and she was wearing a catholic girl outfit. At her sight, people laughed. One guy fell down, holding his gut. Freed began to laugh, and patted Nemesis on the back.

"Yes yes yes, her fashion choice is awful... But no more laughing, let the bodies hit the floor! Ariana Grande VS Dominic Carter! Begin! May the best fighter win!"

I laughed, and put my hands on my hips.

"Come on girl, how about you show me some of that 'Ariana power'."

She heard me, and balled her hand into a fist. She smiled a little, and she took a step.

"You want me to punch you?"

"Yes. As hard as you want."

"Nah... I'll hold back."

The crowd laughed, but none as hard as me. That's when she punched me. My abs shattered in the force, and I felt like the wind was knocked out of me. I hunched over, and felt my gut. I wanted to vomit. That's how hard she could hit. Everyone stopped laughing, except Freed who was clapping. I could tell one thing... Behind that mask... He was smiling like a school kid. He sat down on a chair, and grabbed a bag of popcorn.

"This is the part I love most... When an arrogant idiot is destroyed! Do you become strong, or cower in fear?! SHOW ME!"

He laughed, and I felt like barfing. I felt Ariana grab me by the neck, and lift me up. I was being lifted by Ariana Grande?! She set me on my feet, and motioned to herself.

"Now you punch."

I was taken aback, and she winked.

"Don't worry... I won't hit back."

I was absolutely enraged, so I hit her stomach with everything. She was unmoved, and yawned, looking up at me.

"So, when are you going to hit me?"

I heard laughs from Freed, who was pointing and trying to stay in his chair. I decided to hit her over and over. I struck her with dozens of punches, but she suddenly took a step back, and winced. I hurt her! I punched her, but she caught this punch with her small hand. She began to squeeze, and I felt my fingers were snapping. I was forced to my knees, and looked at her face. It looked so adorable how she tried to look angry, but she was crushing my hand. I began to scream, and she let go. She hooked her arm around my neck, and moved herself into a headlock. She shoved me down, and gave me a noogie.

"Come on, get out of this!"

I put my massive muscular arms around her small arm, but was unable to budge it. It was like she bolted a steel beam around my neck to make me suffocate. Her hand felt like a ten ton weight. She dropped me, and she walked away. I got up as fast as I could, and tackled her. She turned around, and caught me. She was unmoved, despite me running at full force with all my might. She laughed, and lifted me up. I was upside down, with my legs flaming, and I saw Freed. He had his thumb on his side, and I knew what was about to happen.

"Oh god... Please no... Don't..."

He put his thumb down, and Ariana dropped me. I hit my head on the floor, and she let go. She took a step back, and I got back up. I heard mumbling a from the audience, with one word. Pussy. I'm losing a fight to a little girl! I had to win! So I got up, and I charged at her. However, I stopped and did a roundhouse kick at her face. It took her by surprise, and she hit the floor. I dropped on her, and hit her with a flurry of punches. I hit her head with all my force, but when I stopped, I saw her face was mildly bleeding. I did see her pissed. She head butted me, and when I got up, she punched me in the face. I hit the floor, but she wasn't done. She got up, and grabbed my arm. She span her body, and threw me against the wall. I hit it, and she grabbed my arm. With one motion, she slammed me on the floor. She turned me over, and kicked me back up. I was on my knees, and she bent over, to pick me up by the armpits. She lifted me up overhead, and threw me on her back. My feet and hands were nearly touching the floor, but she grabbed me with her hands, and bent down. My body felt like it was being pulled in half, and I screamed out in pain. She pulled harder, and every time she did, I screamed harder.

"I GIVE! I GIVE!"

She threw me down, and my felt my back. She turned around, and slightly set her skirt down. She had a bikini bottom, and she looked at me.

"I'll forgive you... If you kiss my ass."

"No!"

"Fine then."

She turned around, and she faced me. She lifted her fist, and I stood up. I tried to hit her with my best punch, but she just just punched my fist. My fist nearly shattered, and she hit me with another punch. I was floored, and she looked down at me.

"Just take it like a man, and kiss my ass, or I'll kick yours!"

"N... No... Never!"

"Your funeral."

She lifted her foot, and I lifted my hands.

"Wait... I... I'll do it..."

She smiled, and turned around. I got on my knees, sweating, and had tears. I went to her ass... And kissed it. It felt like the most humiliating thing. Freed only watched, and was a little disappointed.

"God... What a wimp."

Freed got up, and pointed at Klaus.

"You'll get the 500 mil... And forget the perm. I'm done here. I wanted a domination... Not this. It's just plain bad in taste."

Freed walked away, and tripped on a rock.

"DAMN YOU ROCKS, RUINING MY EPIC MOMENTS!"

-MonkeyFreed-

So I got out of that hellhole, putting my money in Klaus's. Nemesis was eating sushi, and I heard people. Tons of them came out of the basement, talking about the fight. I grinned, and handed out G.B.O flyers to them.

"Please, if you want more like this, please come to a match! As the good book says, violence is the answer, and we have all the violence you need."

I laughed, and turned around to see Ariana. She was still in her outfit, and sighed.

"Did I really have to do that?"

"Hey, ass kisses are in! Besides, you got what you wanted. You proved that racism is bad... Or something. I forgot what the entire point of this is."

"Well, I did enjoy crushing him."

I handed her a G.B.O flyer.

"Then enjoy. Now, Nemesis, let's go Karaoke!"

Nemesis was ecstatic, and saluted. Ariana perked up.

"Can I join?"

"You?! Please, everyone knows you have to be a singer to do this. Become a massive pop singer or something, and then come back to me. Trust me, singing is hard. Stick to acting."

I walked away, glad I haven't looked her up in years. Nemesis whistled, and a car came for me. I jumped on top of the car, and pointed.

"TOWARDS VICTORY!"

I drove away, glad. Ariana looked at the flyer, and saw the back of it. It had something on it.

'Thanks for what you did! You helped a lot of people! Sometimes, I wonder if this whole idea was a good idea, but I know you prove me right! Just hope all are like you.'

Ariana stared at what he wrote, and was absolutely confused. What did he mean that this was a good idea?
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