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Old 16-Nov-20, 02:59
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Default Male identity crises

This might not warrant its own thread, but I found [Only Registered Users Can See LinksClick Here To Register] to be an interesting and honest account of the kind of reaction a conventional guy might have the first time he's exposed to a trained/skilled woman. Many on here will find this account to be silly at best and contemptable at worst, but I personally felt like I could relate to some of his thought process. I'll put the text here and would be curious to know what others think.

Also of note: I don't believe the screenshot in the article has anything to do with the story itself, as I recognize it to be from [Only Registered Users Can See LinksClick Here To Register], which doesn't fit the situation he describes.

Quote:
Man Suffers Identity Crisis After Jiu-Jitsu Trained Girlfriend Chokes Him Out

My gf and I have been dating for about 6 months. We both go to the same school, so we see each other all the time, and are both going to graduate in June. We have had a great relationship, and I have no reason to dislike her. She is a rational, level-headed, and smart woman who I absolutely trust.

My gf is trained in Jiu Jitsu and I believe she is decently good (I’ve never seen her fight). She has been training at a fancy gym consistently since she started college 5 years ago. I have zero self defense training as I don’t have the time or money to go to classes or a martial arts gym. I boxed briefly in early college but had to quit pretty early on because I got a new job.


So last night we had just got back from my friends birthday party and we started to mess around. Sometimes we play fight and wrestle around, normal couple things. But last night while we were rolling around out of nowhere she puts me in an ACTUAL head lock. For context, neither of us were intoxicated. We had both had a couple drinks a few hours prior but we were totally sober by the time we got home. Also for context, I am about 5 inches taller than her but I don’t think I outweigh her by too much (I don’t know how much she weighs but I am pretty skinny, about 145 lbs). I think I am stronger than her but again, I don’t have any training. I tried to get out of her hold but I didn’t know how so I’m just kinda squirming around. Then she really starts to tighten up. In a matter of maybe 2 seconds, she is full on choking me. My airway is completely closed and I immediately become extremely angry (don’t know why really, is that the normal reaction?). My emotions just start going crazy, which is clouding my judgement and my thought processes. I didn’t know what to do so I started tapping on the ground and on her head. She lets go and I backed away quickly. She still had a smile on her face, I’m assuming because she thought we were having fun. I immediately started yelling at her and was completely enraged at this point. She was initially confused because she didn’t seem to know what she was doing. I walked downstairs to try to cool off and process what happened. When I came back I didn’t really know what to do, so I decided to just go home. I started to put my clothes on and she starts crying and apologizing, saying she didn’t mean to and didn’t think she was doing anything serious. I felt bad because this was the first time I’ve ever seen her cry. I’m still very angry at this point but I decided to stay. I still didn’t really know what to do so I just decided to go to bed. She went downstairs and came up a little bit later and eventually came to bed. Now we sleep together probably 5 nights a week but I have never slept with her angry so I just kinda faced away from her and tried to fall asleep. She kept apologizing quietly but I told her I just wanted to go to sleep. We woke up this morning and took a shower together (something we normally do) but we didn’t talk and I didn’t touch her at all. We talked a little before I left (I had to go study for a big test I am taking tomorrow), and I assured her I wasn’t going to break-up with her over this incident. She seemed worried that I might end it.

I am still very confused about the situation and seek advice on how to deal with this. I don’t know how to feel about her, but also, and maybe more importantly, I don’t know how to feel about myself. I felt something I haven’t felt in a really long time. I felt helpless. I thought about trying to hurt her to get out of her hold but I refrained because I would never hurt her. But now the thing that keeps plaguing me is that I don’t know if I could’ve gotten out of her hold. I don’t know if I could’ve defended myself from her. This feels like it is taking a big toll on my confidence and my self-esteem. Feeling helpless to defend myself from my own girlfriend is a very confusing feeling when I know she didn’t “mean” to do it. Another thing that made me feel even worse was she kept saying (in an apologetic tone, not a mean one) “I do that all the time at practice, with that amount of strength, and it never seems to have that effect on the other person”. That made me feel like she was implying that I was weak or something. Like my neck was somehow easier to choke than the other people in her gym. That made me feel like I was even more helpless than I previously thought.

Please advise, I do not know what to do. ([Only Registered Users Can See LinksClick Here To Register])
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Old 16-Nov-20, 03:52
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Default Re: Male identity crises

Reddit gets all the good shit.
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Old 16-Nov-20, 04:25
Jwo321 Jwo321 is offline
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Default Re: Male identity crises

Guy sounds like a idiot. Your dating a girl that trains in jujitsu... and if she is really into and and likes the sport jujitsu people always like to grapple around and throw their friends in holds and submissions. And they love to squeeze to get the tap which she was doing. He probably more upset cause it was done at a party wirh people around rather than at home in private. But still she trains in jujitsu .... there no shame in your girl catching you in a hold while you are playfully rolling around
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Old 16-Nov-20, 04:33
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Default Re: Male identity crises

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jwo321 [Only Registered Users Can See LinksClick Here To Register]
Guy sounds like a idiot. Your dating a girl that trains in jujitsu... and if she is really into and and likes the sport jujitsu people always like to grapple around and throw their friends in holds and submissions. And they love to squeeze to get the tap which she was doing. He probably more upset cause it was done at a party with people around rather than at home in private. But still she trains in jujitsu .... there no shame in your girl catching you in a hold while you are playfully rolling around
An idiot? Really? They weren't at a party - according to the story, they had just returned home from a party.

He's got one thing in mind - "me, man, stronger, automatically better fighter/wrestler/gamer" - and it doesn't mesh with his reality. It's a mindfuck that's totally normal.
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Old 16-Nov-20, 04:41
wsxqaz wsxqaz is offline
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Default Re: Male identity crises

Agreed. If he understood BJJ better he would not be in such shock. Not a big deal since she is trained and he is not. Also, to me, sounds like she thought she was going to impress him showing off her skills. At least that would have been my reaction. "good hold, I will get you next time". I'd say he should apologize, help her train and be the envy of many. Anybody that gives him a hard, bet them and make some money

Last edited by wsxqaz; 16-Nov-20 at 04:54.
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Old 16-Nov-20, 09:07
Elbow Escape Elbow Escape is offline
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Default Re: Male identity crises

So he weighs just 140 lbs and he tought BJJ is so ineffective that he could beat a girl with 5 years of training just because he is a male? (it's clear he was bothered by the realization he is powerless against her, not by the act of choking itself).
I'm glad he learned that he was wrong the hard way.
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Old 16-Nov-20, 11:53
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Default Re: Male identity crises

The guy is an idiot!He knew she trained in BJJ.That close in weight, id expect to lose.Definately a guy going off stereo types.I admitt the first time wrestled my now wife i was a shocked that she tapped me out.I also didn't know she trained BJJ for yrs.She told me after the 3rd tapout in a row lol
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Old 16-Nov-20, 18:33
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Default Re: Male identity crises

I think social norms tell us that guys are supposed to be stronger and being bested by a woman is shameful but hopefully that guy learns to deal with it. At one time, the thought of it made me uncomfortable but in my experiences of being in that situation in my early years, it was a confusing combination of “this isn’t supposed to be happening” and “this is fun that this is happening”.
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Old 16-Nov-20, 18:56
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Default Re: Male identity crises

I think it may be a mistake to be overly critical of this guy on the basis of the logic that it's "completely reasonable that a girl with 5 years of training was able to do what she did given his size and lack of training". While that's true, I think we have to remember that emotions like shame, embarrassment, and other social stigmas and taboos are rarely determined by such straightforward logical reasoning.

For example, imagine you are walking in the grocery store and are unaware that someone spilled a clear liquid on the floor in front of you. As you step into the puddle you lose your footing and trip and fall. As soon as you do, a group of people nearby begin to laugh at you. Many people in that scenario would feel some degree of embarrassment, but why? There is absolutely nothing surprising about the physics involved. Given the force and the angle of your foot impacting the floor combined with the lack of friction due to the water acting as a lubricant between the floor and the bottom of your shoe, we can give a perfectly logical and satisfactory explanation for why you fell. So why feel embarrassed? I would say it has nothing to do with actually falling and everything to do with the social context being that there is an expectation not to fall. When failing to meet this expectation, you experience some degree of ostracization and ridicule from those around you. The suggestion from one's peers that there's something wrong with them can very often overwhelm one's personal logic and reasoning to the contrary.

My two cents!
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Old 16-Nov-20, 19:09
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Default Re: Male identity crises

Quote:
Originally Posted by ssddfaudhey [Only Registered Users Can See LinksClick Here To Register]
The guy is an idiot! He knew she trained in BJJ.
He's an idiot for not knowing something? That's a ridiculous claim. What does "she trained in BJJ" even mean to most people in the population? Do most people (in the world) have any clue what it means? And just because someone "trains" in something doesn't mean that they're any good at it or that their training is remotely effective even if they are technically skilled.

Quote:
That close in weight, I'd expect to lose. Definitely a guy going off stereotypes.
So, he was conditioned to believe something and then he found out something different in this one case. He might roll around with another "BJJ trained girl" 6 weeks from now and pin her down quite easily.

There are few absolutes out there.
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