Male identity crises

Originally Posted by Elbow Escape [Only Registered Users Can See LinksClick Here To Register]

Yes I can't be 100% sure it's true, but going by that logic everything you ever read on any subject can be a fake of someone with a fetish on that topic (there are unsuspectable fetish about basically everything).
I find it believable enough to assume it's true until proven otherwise, I know plenty of people with no fetish who I can assure you would react the same if not worse.

Maybe you are right, the fact is that I was on different martial arts boards in the past and these kind of stuff happened too soon from posters who came with these stories and then disappeared, so maybe I am in the alert mode.

[KillerCrushes]

Originally Posted by Grappler86 [Only Registered Users Can See LinksClick Here To Register]

Guys, am I the only one who thinks he has our fetish and he tries to dissemble it for a general audience hoping to get excited for the responses? Wouldn't be the first time I read something similar...

Both (all) of the things can be true. It's possible he was turned on and didn't realize it and it's also possible that he does realize it, but isn't sure how to reconcile it. And it could have nothing whatsoever to do with the fetish aspect of her capabilities (as viewed by many participants of this forum).

He may feel - from an evolutionary standpoint - that he should be stronger than his partner. Whether right or wrong, many people equate physical strength with fighting and/or wrestling abilities. Everything he's known for 22 years is now topsy-turvy and he's got to un-learn a lot of his baked in beliefs, because she showed him a few things he did not expect.

I think he's lucky, but that's my worldview. He may be completely knocked off center by her abilities such that he won't be able to get past what he now knows. I hope that isn't that case, though.

[Elbow Escape]

Originally Posted by Grappler86 [Only Registered Users Can See LinksClick Here To Register]

Maybe you are right, the fact is that I was on different martial arts boards in the past and these kind of stuff happened too soon from posters who came with these stories and then disappeared, so maybe I am in the alert mode.

Just out of curiosity, could you tell something more about the similar instances you are referring to and how do you find out they were fake?

[Wrestler11]

Originally Posted by KillerCrushes [Only Registered Users Can See LinksClick Here To Register]

Both (all) of the things can be true. It's possible he was turned on and didn't realize it and it's also possible that he does realize it, but isn't sure how to reconcile it. And it could have nothing whatsoever to do with the fetish aspect of her capabilities (as viewed by many participants of this forum).

He may feel - from an evolutionary standpoint - that he should be stronger than his partner. Whether right or wrong, many people equate physical strength with fighting and/or wrestling abilities. Everything he's known for 22 years is now topsy-turvy and he's got to un-learn a lot of his baked in beliefs, because she showed him a few things he did not expect.

I think he's lucky, but that's my worldview. He may be completely knocked off center by her abilities such that he won't be able to get past what he now knows. I hope that isn't that case, though.

Most people don't know anything about grappling or fighting.
Let alone that a smaller person can murder them if they wanted to.

That is an eye opener to them when they first spar.
It messes with your sense of safety and makes you realize how vulnerable you are against unimposing people.

If something like that happens outside of a gym and you try to pull free, she only tightens more and you feel like you are about to die that stuff messes with you. Especially if you have never experienced anything like that.

[mark.johnson21]

I think something being overlooked here is that they were supposed to be PLAY fighting -- not actually fighting. And given that they had done this a few times before, this was the first time she tried to knock him out and physically hurt him (albeit sorta unintentionally). And despite this, he purposely refrained from doing anything to hurt her when it happened.

I don't get why many on here are demonizing this guy. Men are raised with the idea that they are "supposed" to be stronger than women, and finding out that one can easily defeat you without really trying is definitely emasculating and would put anybody (who doesn't have this fetish) in a pretty upsetting mindset.

[ca12345]

Originally Posted by KillerCrushes [Only Registered Users Can See LinksClick Here To Register]

Both (all) of the things can be true. It's possible he was turned on and didn't realize it and it's also possible that he does realize it, but isn't sure how to reconcile it. And it could have nothing whatsoever to do with the fetish aspect of her capabilities (as viewed by many participants of this forum).

He may feel - from an evolutionary standpoint - that he should be stronger than his partner. Whether right or wrong, many people equate physical strength with fighting and/or wrestling abilities. Everything he's known for 22 years is now topsy-turvy and he's got to un-learn a lot of his baked in beliefs, because she showed him a few things he did not expect.

I think he's lucky, but that's my worldview. He may be completely knocked off center by her abilities such that he won't be able to get past what he now knows. I hope that isn't that case, though.

That is my takeaway as well. If he strongly associates power or strength with masculinity, it may have caused him to question his manhood and even his sexuality when that happened. Similarly, I know guys who have been troubled by their wife/girlfriend making more money. I think these are both good “problems” to have but they don’t match up with everyone’s idea of how things are supposed to be.

[Wrestler11]

Originally Posted by ca12345 [Only Registered Users Can See LinksClick Here To Register]

That is my takeaway as well. If he strongly associates power or strength with masculinity, it may have caused him to question his manhood and even his sexuality when that happened. Similarly, I know guys who have been troubled by their wife/girlfriend making more money. I think these are both good “problems” to have but they don’t match up with everyone’s idea of how things are supposed to be.

Not sure if those are good problems to have.
If your partner (male or female) has more money or can easily handle you in a fight that means there is inequality in the relationship.

If she is the provider you are more dependent on her than when you are both making a similar amount of money.
Also she might not think you are a golddigger or leaching on her if you have your own income.

Seems most people have never been in a fight in their life. So if someone can easily kill you it confronts you with your fragility and mortality etc.

[KillerCrushes]

Originally Posted by Wrestler11 [Only Registered Users Can See LinksClick Here To Register]

Not sure if those are good problems to have.
If your partner (male or female) has more money or can easily handle you in a fight that means there is inequality in the relationship.

If she is the provider you are more dependent on her than when you are both making a similar amount of money.
Also she might not think you are a golddigger or leaching on her if you have your own income.

Seems most people have never been in a fight in their life. So if someone can easily kill you it confronts you with your fragility and mortality etc.

Really? If I were to look at a large cross-section male/female of couples, would I find that approximately half had strength equal to their partners? Of that same group, would half be relatively equal to one another in a physical fight of any kind? Would income need to be similar in order for those relationships to have a chance to be on solid footing?

With respect to 2-person, male/female relationships, I think each person brings different strengths and that people look to find balance and that it ebbs and flows over the years.

That doesn't mean you're wrong about the problems with inequality. There are a lot of bad relationships out there! But how strengths-needs-wants mesh with one another is the key.

[Wrestler11]

Originally Posted by KillerCrushes [Only Registered Users Can See LinksClick Here To Register]

Really? If I were to look at a large cross-section male/female of couples, would I find that approximately half had strength equal to their partners? Of that same group, would half be relatively equal to one another in a physical fight of any kind? Would income need to be similar in order for those relationships to have a chance to be on solid footing?

With respect to 2-person, male/female relationships, I think each person brings different strengths and that people look to find balance and that it ebbs and flows over the years.

That doesn't mean you're wrong about the problems with inequality. There are a lot of bad relationships out there! But how strengths-needs-wants mesh with one another is the key.

A big deal in differences in income is that one might feel like the other person is leaching on them and more interesting in their bank account than them as a person.
Also the other person is financially more dependent on the other.
This can cause feelings of inequality, distrust etc which is not good.

Of course depends on the specific relationship and character of people involved.


With regards to the grappling it is very confrontational the first time a smaller person takes you apart in a physical contest. It makes you aware of how fragile your life is and how easily they could kill you if they wanted to.
Grappling in itself is basically a simulated fight to the death.

If your partner does this to you while you have been raised your entire life the guy should be the protector this can impact your world view quite a bit.

It also shows why a trained grappler should not joke around with submission locks because it is terrifying for people who are not used to it and have not learned to tap etc.

[Joulnx10]

Most people know what boxing is, but have no idea what its like to be punched in the face. BJJ is even less familiar to the masses. This guy is in no way a 'wimp', 'idiot' or any other disparaging name that has been thrown around on this thread.

Having train BJJ for years, I can tell you that your tolerance for chokes and pain definitely goes up the more years you train. She's used to going harder with more experienced and seasoned training partners and didn't adjust her intensity to the level of her opponent.