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Old 11-Dec-20, 12:18
GoddessELINA GoddessELINA is offline
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High Heel Femdom dating vs vanilla dating

[Only Registered Users Can See LinksClick Here To Register] vs vanilla dating is like chalk and cheese for me.

I take a very different approach to ‘when to meet’ than I do on Femdom sites.



There are a number of reasons for that range from the obvious and simple to something more complex.

With vanilla men, I’ll exchange a few emails and want to meet. Let’s fucking go already. With submissive men, I will take my time to see if there’s real potential before I’m willing to meet. They are very different.

The biggest reason is that vanilla men are simple. They either want casual sex or they want a relationship. They’ve had experience with both, they have an idea of what they want, there is nothing to unpack there.

They always have photos, so with that and a few emails to see if they can string a sentence together well enough to be interesting, I want to meet to see if there’s any chemistry. That’s it. Done.

Submissive men are not simple. At all. Sure, they may want kinky play or they want a relationship, but there’s so much more to it.

Firstly, many submissive men simply WILL NOT TURN UP to a meeting. My friends are astounded when I say I’ve never had a no-show, and I think part of that is because of my approach to the meeting. But pretty much every dominant woman I know who sets up a date with a sub considers ‘him actually turning up’ to be a crapshoot. It’s depressing and so very common.

Secondly, they may not really know what they want. They may say they know, but they may be fantasists, they may not have any experience with D/s, they may have really odd ideas about D/s or BDSM, they may have a lot of shame about their submission, they may think a ‘relationship’ is 24/7 play, they may think I’m going to cater to their fetishes, they may have very specific scripts they want to be followed, they may be unable to relate to me as an actual three-dimensional woman, they may… and etc etc.

Thirdly, they may know what they want, and it may be great and achievable, but they may still have a D/s relationship vision that is nothing close to what I want. There’s nothing wrong with wanting something different, but the truth is that ‘traditional’ vanilla relationships all pretty much work the same way.
D/s relationships definitely do not all work the same way. The variety of ‘how to do D/s’ is endless, and I want to be sure that our relationship goals line up.

So before I will waste a second of social energy on meeting them, I want to wade through some of that to understand if there’s any potential at all.

There’s more though.

Submissive men offer me more than vanilla men, and I want to give them the best chance to reach me. And the best way I know of to do that is to give them an opportunity to get their grubby little fingers into my synapses, to show me something that will fire me up. And if they can do that, if they can communicate with me in a way that *works* for me (and vice versa of course), we will both know it, and it is leaps and bounds ahead of a cold start. I don’t discount physical chemistry at all, it’s important, but I know myself and I know that if someone can carve out space in my head, I can bring the sparks to fire up physical chemistry where otherwise there wouldn’t be any.

I know this because I’ve been in love with men who I would have passed on if I’d just met them straight up over a coffee. A big part of that is because an initial meeting is superficial, about pleasantries. Because of course, it is. And I struggle with that, not doing it, but to see potential in it. I pretty much always come away with ‘yeah, they seem nice enough *shrug*‘.

With my last submissive, getting to know him before meeting was unavoidable because of the distance. But in hindsight, I know that if I’d met him immediately, I’d have thought he was perfectly nice and I would never have seen him again. There was no way that he could have articulated what was in his head in person, plus he wasn’t really my physical type, and on top of that he was really shy. But because we’d spent time in email and chat before meeting, I’d already seen who he was, and I wanted all of that, and him, and I was eager and willing to do the work to reach for it.

For me, a cold start from nowhere is super hard. I know some people connect well and easily with anyone and everyone, but I don’t. And I know that taking advantage of an opportunity to worm their way into my head is the best chance for someone to reach me.

And if it’s a burden or tedious or boring for a submissive to correspond with me in the ways that work for me, then we are ill-matched anyway, so as a weeding tool, it works just fine.

So yeah, that’s how it goes for me, and why my approach is wildly different for each.
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Old 11-Dec-20, 13:17
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kyguy2016 kyguy2016 is offline
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Default Re: Femdom dating vs vanilla dating

I've always found writing to be a more natural form of communication for myself than talking, so getting to know someone via email etc before actually meeting them would probably work better for me too.
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