Dominant Women

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Jennifer Williams

The BDSM Lounge - Dominant's Dungeon
01-23-2010 from Thread: New Domme

The first key to being a Mistress is to remember the greatest Trick- the little subs are who are in control! Being a Domme is such hard work, because you have to give them what they need, what they want, what they crave- all the while under the illusion that it is really what You want and what You crave. You have to pay so close attention to their cues, their body language, their face, their voice. It is so difficult to know if you are doing it right, because so often they can't tell you! Especially men, who are naturally bad at communicating in the first place (that is not meant to be an insult!), in my experience they need so, so much encouragement in order for you to get them to tell you what they need! Or you can figure it out through trial and error (one day he tried to get up and I just naturally pushed him down with my knee on his chest and he squeaked "more knees, please..." but you don't usually get that lucky).

Just remember that especially when starting off new, but always, you have to have to communicate. Maybe they can't talk during a session; then talk before, talk after. Ask him afterward, simply, "how did it go?" I can't tell you how many times he's said "I wish you would do ____ more." and I was totally surprised! And I've been with my little one for four years. Hope this advice does help!

P.S.- Sometimes it helps them if you encourage them to phrase it as begging rather than asking (Example: "Please, Mistress, please please bite my cock I'll do anything for you if you bite my cock." (gives you all the power, while still letting you know what they need) rather than just "I wish you would bite my cock more." <- that is scary for them))

Hmmmm... maybe I have misphrased myself. At no point did I mean to misconstrue that the Domme did not get her needs and desires fulfilled! I suppose I just took it for granted that of course that goes without saying! What I meant to say was that a very good dominant is able to get the needs of both people satisfied (if she so desires).

For example, my little one absolutely loves, loves, loves to be suffocated. Some days I may make him beg for it, or complete tasks where that is the prize. Other days he may be punished by choking, but either way it turns him on to delicious levels. If he is very bad, he may not get it at all. But since I am the one in control, I need to be the one paying attention, making sure we do not go too far- because he will allow himself to get passed out (scary!) That was what I meant by paying attention to cues.

Yes, that is what I meant. True deliciousness comes when both partners have their "needs" met, and what that is depends completely on the individual. In my general experience, subs need to know that their dominant is in control, not them. The subs I have known get terribly frightened and frustrated if they believe they have any sort of control, even for a moment. So even if a dominant decides they want to do something that they know the sub likes, they need to present it in a way that still keeps all of the power of the situation in the dominant's hands. That was what I meant by "trick"- that is the hardest part of being a dominant.

I've often thought of it this way- the sub has control over whether they consent (if you take that away then it is abuse), and they have the power of their safe word if they need it to end, and everything else in between is Mine.

As I said, I just phrased it badly. Illusion was a poor choice of words; what I was trying to say was this: my sub likes to be tied up on the floor, I prefer him tied to the bed posts (mmm...so sexy). Some days I'm going for my pleasure and he gets tied to the bed. Other days, my real goal is his pleasure, so I will tie him up on the floor- but I don't say "Let's do things your way today and I'll tie you on the floor", no, he'd go soft in ten seconds and probably cry, if I said that. Instead I'll say "You don't deserve a nice soft bed, get your ass on the floor under Mistress's feet, where you belong." And then he gets nice and hard and his ears get all red and that does please me, plenty! So it's not the activity (where he's tied) that matters as much as his mindset (believing that absolutely everything I do is always for my own selfish pleasure, when that is not quite always true).

I do hope that makes it more clear!

I have said things like that, too. But I suppose it is hair-splitting, since lots of things I say during play are "untruths", but don't we all do this? I might tell him he's worthless because I know he wants to hear it and it feels damn good to say, but I don't really actually think that, and he knows it. It works the other way, too: he might say "Yes, Mistress, please more" to lots of things he doesn't really want more of- because he wants to please me, so he says what he knows I want to hear.

I think though that is part of what makes it so good: the playing pretend. Also, what you might like to hear will be different from what someone else wants to hear (trust me, "not deserving" is a line that will get him really turned on, really fast). And that is what I mean by being a good Domme; knowing what to say to your sub that makes the best experience for everyone, not just yourself.

PS- I love hearing things from another sub's point of view, I've been with mine for such a long time, this is fun!

You could maybe increase the daily email to a paragraph or two and require him to tell you about his day, every day, like a journal entry. And I don't think you should let days missed slide, unless you approved ahead of time (or if you want to give a pre-approved list of "permitted reasons emails can be missed", or something like that).

The first step towards control is just plain learning about the person. The greater the detail, the greater the control. You can increase the necessary detail as you go. For example, you can start with "I ate lunch at one o'clock" as being acceptable, then after a few of those require what was eaten for lunch, then why that meal was chosen, then after doing that for awhile you'll get to know his routine so you can alter it.

That's just one example. Food is an easy thing because you know a person has to do it every day. Same with sleeping, peeing, getting dressed, etc.

[shepinhim]

Jennifer Williams

The BDSM Lounge - Dominant's Dungeon
06-04-2010 from Thread: Knots and good ideas for line vs. rope.

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I use soft cotton rope that can be found in any hardware store, not coated with anything because that can cause slipping. As for preventing circulation loss and for turning a rope into ankle/wrist restraints, wrap the rope many times around the ankle/wrist instead of just once, neatly in a coil, without crossing it over itself. Also take care to make sure that no knots press against the skin, because that also can put pressure which could reduce circulation and cause discomfort (probably not the kind you want).

My personal favorite for tying ends of ropes to bedposts/bed frames is the constrictor knot, featured in my avatar It's easy to tie and does not slip.

01-31-2010 from Thread: What if the sub feels naughty and wants to dominate you?

I think it's a matter of taste. I'll have my sub "dominate" me for a little while during play sometimes; on rare occasions he'll actually ask to do it; it's usually short-lived because the minute we get too turned on, there he is on the bottom almost by accident, but it's still a fun game we like to play.

We both trust each other implicitly and we both know who is in charge, so I suppose for us, it is just a fun game.

[shepinhim]

Divine Bitches 37131 (2014) - at the time Maitresse Madeline 37 years old, Cherry Torn 28 years old, Micky Mackenzie 20 years old

Name: Maitresse Madeline Marlowe
Height: 5′8
Weight: 123
Hair: Blonde
Eye: Green
DOB: July 31, 1977
Birthplace: Michigan, USA

Name: Cherry Torn
Height: 5′7
Weight: 120
Hair: Blonde
Eye: Blue
DOB: July 29, 1986
Birthplace: South Carolina, USA

Name: Micky Mackenzie
Height: 5′9
Weight: 145
Hair: Blonde
Eye: Green
DOB: July 22, 1994
Birthplace: Onyx, CA

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Jennifer Williams:

The BDSM Lounge - Submissive's Couch
08-12-2010 from Thread: What is the most embarrassing situation you’ve ever been in during BDSM play?

Haha, being too loud is a thing to be proud of! But...I guess there's a time and a place for everything.

I forgot about this, but when I first went away to college I had a boyfriend for all of three weeks, when I bit his neck too hard and marked him good. He was mortified, wouldn't come out of his room for two days, and promptly dumped me for being a "freak" (though he was fine with being tied up and bitten before that *shrugs*). I would like to say I've never gotten carried away since then...but I did learn my lesson fairly well, I think. *blushes* His room mate gave me weird looks for the next year or so...

05-18-2010 from Thread: When did you first know

I was five years old when I had fantasies about the boys in my kindergarten class being naked and tied up with the ropes our teacher used to hang the class art from. I told such fantasies to another girl in my class and the face she made let me know this was the kind of thought I should keep to myself.

I was also five when I pestered my mother about where babies came from until she confirmed my suspicions about what exactly sex was. And then of course I wanted to go and try it and she freaked out...didn't get that opportunity for quite a few years after that, lol.

It's funny that I never thought that there was anything wrong with me, but I also didn't know that other people had such desires until I was in high school, and I didn't know such desires had names until the beautiful internet came along.

So very true; the road I took to get where I am was long and painful and included a lot of broken hearts; yet when I look back I don't see how I could have done it differently since I had to learn what I know the hard way.

Still, the phrase "I always knew I was different" rings true as I remember things like teenage sleepovers where everyone talked about their perfect date or whatever and I had to keep my real fantasies to myself while I made up some drivel about walks on beaches.

I had about a million "inklings", and now when I look back at those moments from my early years I do often find myself thinking, "Oh, so that's why I felt that way." So I know exactly what you're talking about!

05-14-2010 from Thread: How do you handle it when your Dom's not in the mood?

It sounds to me like his "not in the mood" mood has lasted for a short period of time. If that is the case, just wait till it passes.

Sometimes it can be very difficult to be patient. I know; patience is a thing I have no experience with. Though it happened only once, there was a time that I was not in the mood and my sub was very in the mood. He pestered me to the point that it got annoying and I yelled at him and we had a huge argument, and I said to him "I don't think I have ever told you 'no' before, so if I'm saying 'no' then I fucking mean it!" It wasn't pretty. He apologized for days. He never got pushy with me again. It is as you described; I can probably count on one hand the number of times in a year I don't feel like sex. Most of the time I want it and he might not, but that's not important, I get it anyway. But those are our natures.

We doms are not like subs. You don't tell us what to do. Don't push a dom unless you want to be pushed back. Expect to be pushed hard and in unpleasant ways.

Or, you can just be patient. He'll want you.

You could possibly also ask for permission to masturbate; that might give him relief if he's feeling guilty about not being "in the mood", and it will help you tide over.

[shepinhim]

Jennifer Williams:

The BDSM Lounge - General BDSM Q & A
06-16-2010 from Thread: sub-space

My sub describes it as the point where his brain finally shuts completely off. Not just worries and concerns disappearing but also thoughts like "wow this feels good" and "I hope this happens next" vanish and he really has no thoughts at all and is "just emotion and nerves."

I can't tell you better than that, since I've never experienced it myself.

It's not something we "achieve" on purpose; it just sometimes happens when we're feeling a certain way. Oh, but do I get a rush when he gets like that and that's when I know I can do anything at all but I tend to just continue doing what I was doing to make it last.

Also, and I don't know if this is true for anyone else, but this was something that did not happen for him for the first several years we were together. For him, the level of trust necessary to let go like that is very high.

05-14-2010 from Thread: how can I start to enjoy being dominate

It's fine to do something with your partner just for their sake; but maybe you would feel more fulfilled if in return, he did something that you like. What is it that you are seeking from him in bed? Do you get that from him? If there is something that you like and enjoy, ask him if he can do that for you in return, even if it's something that seems simple and small. I've always felt that so long as both people feel whole and satisfied at the end, then it was good sex. And if you can't have them both at the same time, as Denu said, then take turns. Sometimes it's easier to do something 'for' someone when you know they'll do something for you the next time.

As far as enjoying it goes, I get it from seeing how much he enjoys it; mmmm I'll do anything if it makes that cock nice and hard and purple....*drools*

06-14-2010 from Thread: who chooses

We all choose to begin and stay in our relationships, though one person might show more "initiative" than the other, if that's what you mean. I was the one to first ask my sub out on a date, so I chose him there, but then he said yes to going, so he chose me there. It has to be mutual, or else there's no relationship.

05-26-2010 from Thread: Non-sub/new to BDSM with experienced Dom

My little one struggles with this a great deal. I keep trying to help him figure out why things bother him so much, and all he says is "I just don't want to be judged or ridiculed." And then I ask him "by who, no one is here but us?" I think that even though we can logically and mentally accept that it's fine to be an individual, what society ingrains in us as "appropriate" or not is very deep-rooted. That's why it's important to use your brain as much as possible, to look at your feelings to figure out why you feel a certain way.

04-20-2010 from Thread: What is the difference between

Want to get really confusing? Sometimes my little one (who is male) will call me Master (I am female). Those are really good days.

05-14-2010 from Thread: Wired in reverse?

I've been thinking about this for awhile and I was wondering what other people's perspective was; particularly dommes and male subs.

Though most of the time it doesn't bother me (self-confidence is not an issue that is usually on my plate), now and then I get to feeling that my brain is wired backwards. People just so naturally assume that a male is dominant (even in basically vanilla situations), that sometimes it winds up slamming me in the face.

For example, when little one and I tell people that our dream is one day for me to have such a good job that he won't have to work, and he can stay home and take care of the house and raise the kids. We both love this idea. I can't begin to tell you the flack we get, from nearly every one, for wanting that.

Or when he sits in my lap, or when I order his meals for him, or when I push him behind me to protect him if I think someone might hurt him; even just when people see him cook dinner for me and then clean the table. The comments are endless. He gets called gay all the time (not that there is anything wrong with being gay; it's just that people are judging him based on stereotypes).

This is bothering me today because recently the fuse blew in the power steering on my car and I had the hood up while I was replacing it, and a "kind bystander" walked by and asked if I needed help, which in of itself I suppose was fine, until he saw my little one sitting in the passenger seat and said "What, he can't even get out and help you?" to which I snapped, "No, I can push this little square thingy in this little hole all by my little self, don't worry about it." And then thankfully he went away.

Sometimes my temper gets the best of me... <: (

Does anyone else out there experience these things? How do you deal with them? Do you bother to try to explain, or do you just roll your eyes and move on? I thought this was the twenty-first century and gender stereotypes were old hat, but apparently that isn't so.

True, I suppose being anything that isn't the "social norm" will cause, uh...discomfort, I guess.

Just sometimes I get tired of hearing other people's comments on our life. Then I'm stuck with this dilemma: let degrading comments slide, or try to make an argument to defend us? Both options seem so miserable sometimes.

That is basically where I stand, too. I wouldn't go around announcing to the world in a loud voice "We're different!", but sometimes you can't help doing the little things that you're so used to you don't realize you do them. And I don't want to live my life in fear worrying about "hiding" what we are, either. Yes, during swimsuit season I take care not to mark him, but I'm not going to tell him "If we get ice cream at the beach you have to choose what you want for yourself." I think he'd cry.

I am grateful that we do live in an area where weird looks and snide comments are all we get. My sister (who is a lesbian but not bdsmy) lives in a more intolerant area, and she does have to take care not to hold her sweetheart's hand in public or call her "honey" or put her arm around her or any such thing, because they fear being physically hurt or fired from their jobs or some other kind of crazy reaction.

So maybe I will just have to learn better to let it roll off my shoulders; though really I don't care what they say about me; it's when they insult the one I love that makes it harder.

Btw, I think "bdsmy" is now my new favorite word.

Yes, this is true. Oddly enough, we don't have any problems with his family, I suppose because he's been submissive his whole life so they're just used to him (and his mother is DOMINANT; she runs the family and nobody questions her, nobody would dare).

My family's beginning to get used to him; they've figured out that if they want to ask a question to him specifically (and not to us), that if they say his name first I'll be quiet and he will answer. That's not something we planned, it just comes out like that.

I was, as Oz said, venting about my frustration with the general public. I appreciate everyone sharing their experiences as well; sometimes it's comforting to know you're not the only one who has to face things.

Yes, and that is what I tell my little one all the time- that I love him for who he is, he's perfect for me and I don't want him to be anyone else but himself.

Now all I have to do is take my own advice, and I'm set!

Ah, so you're saying all I have to do is be patient and the world will change to accept me. I like it.

Well, freedom does mean that we can act as we choose (so long as it's within the law), but it does also mean that people have the right to express their opinions to my face, I guess. Well, when that happens I usually try to tell myself that they're just jealous because I'm happy and they're clearly not. That works on most days, anyway.

No, I was planning on living forever and never getting old. Ha, got you there.

I'm so sorry to hear about your wife, leo.
And that just goes to show you; never judge a person by appearances; unless they've told you something themselves, don't assume it to be true.

No, it's a special formula passed down to me by my family, called denial. Works for a lot of problems, actually.

And if I tortured you, the point would be to make you remember it.

That is the same advice my mother gave me when I was ten and I was being made fun of for having the "uncool" picture on my lunchbox at school. I guess it applies to everything in life, huh?

Oh, absolutely. The "secretive-ness" of it and sometimes messing with vanilla's heads is certainly fun. And if I walked into a party with a leash around his neck, I would certainly expect people to give us strange looks (it would be kinda freaky if they didn't).

I was just lamenting that it seems you can't do anything these days without someone else telling you you're doing it wrong- what if he went to pick up your dry-cleaning? I'll bet the same people will pipe up with what's wrong with that.

Maybe it's just the same ten people over and over, doing their best to annoy the rest of us...

I don't care what other people want to think. Honestly. I just wish that if they don't agree with the way we're doing it that they could keep such thoughts inside their head. I don't go around telling other people that they're "doing it wrong," and I wish I could get the same courtesy.

05-01-2010 from Thread: A new apprentice is the word

I think that's like asking how many children can a person raise properly. Some people have enough energy and resources for one; some can handle seven. It also depends upon the dynamics of all people involved. My little one needs so much attention that I don't have too much to spare to devote to other subs (I've had temporary subs and an online sub, but they all come second to him and I've made that clear from day one), but I love that; I love how he needs me all the time, every minute. That would drive some other doms crazy. So it really all depends upon your individual personalities.

My advice is this: Every now and then, sit yourself down and ask "Am I happy with things how they are?" and then also ask her the same question. If the answer is yes for you both, don't mess with it. Don't change stuff just because you think you're "supposed" to. If the answer is "no", then talk about the reasons why and then decide what you might want to change to increase your happiness. And since people change, you need to ask yourselves this question on a rolling basis.

04-04-2010 from Thread: Male Orgasm Questions

I can get my little one pretty hard with just a few phrases; I suppose if I had the patience to work at it, I could minimize those phrases to just a few words or even perhaps one word.

But I don't have any patience. Once I decide I'm hot, he usually gets to keep his clothes on for about thirty seconds, if that.

I do make him wait to cum until I've decided we're done for the night (because he absolutely cannot stay awake afterwards; I've tried everything), but even then it still takes some work to get him to actually go off.

That is actually a very good point, and is necessary for keeping in mind male multiple orgasms. I've seen guys have more than one orgasm, where they ejaculate for the first one and then are so horny they can be made hard again and then orgasm again (but nothing comes out; they're empty!) I forgot about that.

My little one could never do that, though; once he ejaculates he is usually asleep like the dead (maybe I work him too hard ).

In my experience, it is not hard to get a guy hard, lol.

[shepinhim]

Jennifer Williams:

The BDSM Lounge - Q & A for Dominants
08-18-2010 from Thread: How many dominants are in it for their own pleasure, rather than to please the sub?

I've never spoken to a person who "pretended" to be Dominant or was able to act that way unless it was in them. I do it because I love it, because it's in me, its who I am and I often do it unintentionally because it is so deeply embedded in the way I think and see the world. I don't understand Dominatrixes (sp?), because I'd never be able to charge money for what I do...if I wasn't committed to my boy I'd constantly be giving it away for free. : )

But the distinction between Dominance and topping is an important one. A person most certainly can learn to top, and can probably do a fairly good job of it based only on the knowledge that their partner enjoys it; but this would only work if they then got something that they found fulfilling, too. One of the best pieces of sexual advice I ever got was "it's perfectly fine to do things just for the sake of your partner, so long as you feel they are fulfilling your needs also."

07-09-2010 from Thread: Dom space

I'd say there is such a thing. It's probably completely different from sub space; which from what I've seen from Mine is that sub space is the total release of thoughts and surrender to sensation, whereas dom space for me is the complete focus of thought, into a sharp, single point which is the sensations I am causing in my sub. When I'm really, really into it, I tend to forget about myself completely, as I am solely focused on him; I have even cummed just from something I was doing to him, without being touched at all myself (but maybe that is only a female thing?) His body and mind become the point of everything I do, and I could care less about anything else, including myself, to the point where I won't hear the phone ring or a knock at the door or thunder outside or anything that isn't him.

How do I feel afterwards? Immensely, completely satisfied, to the point where I will actually not want to have sex (until the next day, of course).

Wyldwyl, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, that was very insightful. Especially the last part, about how the best thing to pull you out of dom drop is the love and attention from your sub. I was moved, really. That was very touching. *goes to pet her little one and smother him with attention*

08-04-2010 from Thread: intelligence training...

I've made my boy watch movies while edging him the entire time, and then give him quizzes at the end about it- you can start easy and go up to very difficult ones, like "what was the main character's little brother's name? (which was only mentioned once)" Very fun, because you know the parts that have the answers are coming up ahead of time, so you can increase the distraction appropriately.

Multitasking is also very fun; I've made my boy try to draw (he is a fairly decent artist) while being stimulated and those pictures (which are horribly lousy, as far as his art goes) are so much fun to look at, because I can always see the point where he gave up, the pencil leaves this weak little trail across the paper.

I've also made him fail at video games he's normally very good at...I'll give him some score he has to reach or distance he has to travel and then make sure he fails just before hand. Oh, and there is a reward for success, too, which he has obtained a few times.

07-09-2010 from Thread: Online Domination from the Female Dominant's Perspective

I do think that this is a personal question that would be answered differently for each person, but in general women tend to desire closeness and a more emotionally attached relationship more than men. Though both men and women seek "sexual satisfaction only" relationships, I would tend to think that more men would want this than women. On the flip side, though both men and women seek "emotionally meaningful" relationships, I would think that more women than men would want this. Which, if your relationship is emotionally meaningful, would probably lead you to want to meet the person in real life, eventually.

I know that for me (and for many women that I've known), without emotional attachment there is no sexual satisfaction, the two go hand in hand. Though I have had emotional attachment from online relationships; in fact I met my little one online (though at the time we were trying to be vanilla. Ha!)

05-19-2010 from Thread: New Domme + New Submissive

Light bondage will probably suit you very well to start. Just get some nice, soft cotton rope from a hardware store. Maybe start with just tying his wrists together (wrap the rope many times around rather than just once; this will prevent it from digging or cutting off circulation). Or you can always tie one end to each wrist and the other to the bed frame (the metal bars under the bed that hold it off of the floor), again, wrap the rope many times around his wrist to prevent it from digging into him. Bondage can be very complicated or very simple, it's all up to you. Don't be upset if it doesn't work out how you planned right away, either. Just like anything else, it takes practice to get good at it, for both of you.

So long as you never ever leave him unattended while bound, it's pretty safe. Keep scissors handy just incase you can't get the knots out.

Did I mention don't leave him alone like that? Keep in mind he really will be helpless. If there is any kind of emergency, he will be dependent on you to set him free. And this fact will probably make you both very, very hot.

Good luck!

04-04-2010 from Thread: Questions for all the Doms and Dommes ?

I can only post this because he isn't here to read it.

Don't tell him, but it's all about him.

His little gasp, his little squeak, his deep moan when his eyes disappear into the back of his head when I know I've "gotten it right" (a phrase I've heard many Dominants use; it is for me the prime goal and the most difficult thing to attain), is everything.

The pressure to create is immense. I am the artist, he is the canvas. If I don't do anything, nothing happens. The tendency to repeat makes life difficult because if I've done this before, then he knows what's coming, and that gets boring very quickly. My focus is on his sensation- he needs to know I'm there, he needs to feel my power, he needs to know my control.

What do I need? Mmmmmm...his submission is so delicious; his agreement that yes, he wants this, yes, he craves this, when I put my hand to his body and he moves towards me no matter what may come; he isn't tied because I forced him there, but because he went there willingly.

When I look down at him all tied up with ropes and he gazes up at me with adoration, not fear, that is what makes my heart melt. To have him totally under my power, completely at my mercy, would all mean nothing without his complete and total trust. His trust is what makes him so precious.

In summary, what is going through my mind the whole time are my concerns about what is going through his mind. What he's feeling, what he's thinking. He is not allowed to keep feelings from me, he is not allowed to keep thoughts from me; I cannot create a work of art that is beautiful for us both if he is withholding information. I cannot trust him that he consents if he keeps thoughts to himself.

This is absolutely impossible to explain *sigh*

Oh. Well, thank you.

Thank you for your compliments Mallory; going along with what you said and also WyldWyl's comment, I have to agree that there is nothing quite as stress relieving as dominating a scene. I find my mind become so sharply focused on my sub so that all the worries of the day vanish and I no longer care about them; I care only about him and getting those delicious noises (and other reactions). And then afterwards, like social_dan said, the way he cuddles like he needs me for his very being to survive; oh, it's precious beyond words.

Also Mallory, I like the idea of your "talking rule", but I know I could never get that to be successful out of my little one; he's not so very good at talking in the first place and then once we start a session, whatever verbal skills he had dissipate like smoke.

He has lots of different other noises he makes, though, which are almost like words in themselves.

05-03-2010 from Thread: please help me make this work

Oh, there is plenty that isn't about sex. Domination doesn't have to have any sex; Domination is about control. Start small. Maybe set one rule. See if it's followed; if it is, then set another. If it isn't, punish until it's followed. Take your time; Dominating a person's life is like psychologically binding them; you start with one knot, then slowly build up until they can no longer wiggle their little toe.

You can start by controling wardrobe, diet, budget, what leisure activities are allowed, when they are allowed, certain phrases a person may say/ not say, places they may go/not go/ have to go, things they must do each day (such as count how many times they think of you for example). Think of all the little things a person does all day long, without even thinking about it, pick one, and control it. Or even just monitor it; it can make some people feel very submissive just to tell you at the end of the day how many times they peed, for example.

One example I use with my little one is that he may not chose flavors for himself. Doesn't matter what it is; doughnuts, ice cream, muffins, if he is presented with choices of flavors then he has to text me and I get to choose what he eats. I actually had to modify this once because he couldn't reach me when they were serving bagels for lunch at his job, and so he didn't eat any and wound up going something like eight hours without food. So now he knows if he can't reach me he can have plain, or vanilla, or whatever is the most boring choice presented to him.

The reason that sex seems to always come into it in my opinion is because that is the most fun part of a person to control

03-31-2010 from Thread: Dominant loopholes

My little one's whole life revolves around pleasing me, on making me happy; he feels successful when he hears his two favorite words in the whole world: "good boy". There aren't "rules" or "loopholes", there's "service." He his happy to be my sub, he wants to be my sub; if, somehow, I failed to have dominance over him in some way he'd gently point it out and say "Mistress, what are my directions for this?"

If he ever played some loophole game like that I think I'd feel extremely hurt that he was trying to "pull one over" on me; how can I trust him if I'm always afraid if he will skitter away from my grasp? It is like binding someone; they consent to the binding, they want to be bound, so if you miss a knot and they get loose they tell you and you re-tie it; they don't suddenly try to use their accidental freedom to try to escape.

04-26-2010 from Thread: how to tell

That might have been me you saw.

In all seriousness, it is like trying to judge a person for any other personality trait. I would tell you that yes, you can tell, but just like judging someone for any other reason, you can also be wrong. I like to think I can hunt out a male submissive from ten miles away, and a lot of the time I can, but I have been wrong. Sometimes a person is dominant or submissive but only in a particular situation, and if that's how you first see them then you're not getting the whole picture. Also sometimes people don't know who they are, or even more confusing, can change who they are.

But if it's guidelines you want,

Most of them tend to say "okay" a lot and if someone else tells them (or a group they are part of) what to do, they're relieved, as in "phew, someone's in charge." They tend to do what I tell them, but I can't go by that alone since 90% of people I meet tend to do what I tell them. Unless there's another dom in the room, I am in charge.

04-25-2010 from Thread: Newbie Feels Neglected

I don't know how your contact with him has been in the past, but if every time you've been together you've had a serious, full-blown session then he might be feeling pressure that if he sees/calls you it has to be a long, many-hour thing that he just doesn't have the energy for. The next time you talk to him it might do you well to say that you might like maybe just a text or quick email from him now and then because you're wondering how he's doing; or ask him if it's alright for you to do the same and just send him a quick word. Sometimes just one quick word or sentence that lets you know you're thought of can get a person through an entire day, and it might help him to know that you are there for him during this difficult time, if he should choose to want your attention.

Also, in my experience, it's common for a sub to feel very needy during the beginning of a relationship, so don't feel bad about that, just remember that you have a mind to go along with your emotions and use your brain to help you through it.

04-12-2010 from Thread: Begging

It's the knowledge that in that moment you have total, complete control. There is nothing like the surge of power you feel when they say "please...", knowing that whether they get whatever it is is solely up to you, and that they have no say about it. Great, now you've made me all hot and I was trying to go to bed.

OH, see, you are fair. I'm not so much. I'll tell him that I'll be going off first and he has to wait, and then immediately play with his cock while demanding he not get distracted. It practically forces him to beg. Especially when he's tied and can't escape my fingers...

Well, to each his own, I guess.

I personally love when I've said no, and they are still so desperate they try to ask again, anyway. As if they can change my mind...and every now and then, they can. Which makes the begging all the more juicy the next time....
If I get tired of hearing it, they just get gagged.

How about a struggle to do anything? Or to not do something...

Mmmmm...yes, the eyes.

04-13-2010 from Thread: Does anybody else do this?

Oh HELL yes! I'm fairly certain that's just human nature, dan. If you were vanilla, would you worry if you wondered what a hot female you passed looked like in her bra and panties? Not at all. You see a hot chick; you imagine her in a way that turns you on. Totally normal.

I would say probably half the men I see wind up in some kind of bondage in my mind's eye, and they must know this somehow because really, I get looked in the eye very rarely by men.

If they do manage to look me in the eye then my imagination becomes hopelessly occupied, to the point of me maybe not noticing that the light has now turned green

04-08-2010 from Thread: Spontaneous Submissiveness

Oh, the list is about five hundred miles long...I LOVE the little things, I live for the little things, the subconscious things that he doesn't even realize he's doing because that is how I know how he really feels.

For example, his hair was getting long and he asked me what kind of haircut I wanted him to get. I was tired and not feeling creative so I told him he could choose his own haircut style this time.

He fretted for days and when I asked him why hair was still long he looked at me with this adorable, precious face and said "Will you tell me how to cut it now?"

*melts*

Or even simpler things, as you said. Like if he wants attention, he'll just go from sitting on the couch to laying on his back, hoping I'll climb on top of him (which I usually do).

I think my favorite is when I compliment him; he always turns his head away and downcasts his eyes to the nearest corner and blushes like you've never seen. But he smiles in the cutest way.

Oh, that is so sweet. *sniff* I do love sweet things.

[shepinhim]

Jennifer Williams:

The BDSM Lounge - Q & A for submissives
07-17-2010 from Thread: cravings??

Self lots of stuff...mastrubation can be deliciously yummy (though I myself get lonely afterwards; I don't know if other women feel the same way). Just be very careful with self-bondage; you have to be sure you can escape, and in a hurry, in case something goes wrong (stove catches on fire, parents come to visit, whatever). There are a lot of safety issues to be concerned with if you're by yourself- but lots of people do self-bondage and lots of other kinds of "self" stuff. Totally normal.

As far as cravings go, I know what you mean- I forced myself to suffer in a vanilla relationship for a number of years, and I think that was even worse than being alone. My way of coping was writing, nearly every delicious fantasy I've ever had is on my computer somewhere, lol.

Oh, and even though now I get plenty of yumminess in real life nearly every day- I still get cravings all the time. ; P

07-17-2010 from Thread: Finding that fine balance

Hello all; I have a question for all of you lovely submissives out there . I've been with my sub for about four years and we know each other fairly well. I think I can understand most of his needs and wants; but one thing that continually baffles me is his desire to sacrifice his own wants for mine, well, all the time. He wants to eat whatever I want for dinner; he wants to watch whatever I want on TV, he wants to go out to wherever I'd like to go, etc. And I have no problems with this most of the time, except sometimes he'll actually lie and say what he knows I want to hear, and not the truth (like he'll say "Sure I'd love to go for a walk" when in reality his feet hurt from working all day and he really would rather not, and I don't find out until later, when he is wincing with each step). I've explained to him that I don't want that- that I care about him and I want to consider his needs. But he doesn't seem to be able to help himself.

I suppose the biggest problem is when he tells me he likes something that he doesn't (could be something sexual, could be something not), and then I honestly think he likes it. So if I'm feeling affectionate, I'll do it; and then I find out later he really doesn't like it. I don't think he does this on purpose; we've talked about it at length and he mentally understands that I want him to be truthful with me. He still does it anyway.

Should I just let it go, or should I keep insisting he be honest with me? I know it's a big need of his to sacrifice his own wants for mine, and I can't understand it beyond that. Whatever insight anyone has into this will be greatly welcomed; if anyone has had similar experiences I'd like to know your thoughts. Thank you so much!

Thank you very much for that insight. Since I'm the sort of person who always speaks up and gets what I want, I can't really understand all too well the "I'm happy if you're happy" point of view. My biggest concern is that I feel lied to when he pretends to like something because he knows it's what I want, and I'm not sure if I'm taking that feeling too far or if I should let it go. Of course, all of this is over small, trite things as you said; he does speak up and say what he thinks whenever something truly important comes up. Eventually. With a pained expression.

Just really, for months and months I bought chocolate and vanilla ice cream because I thought he liked vanilla (haha, how funny it is to say that); turns out he was just eating it because he knows I like chocolate more- if he had just said something, I could have bought solid chocolate instead!

Wow, everyone, thank you so much for your responses! Haha, believe me, we have communicated with each other, at length, about this. He knows what I want (blunt honesty) and I know what he wants (to always give me what I want). I think it's just a matter of putting into practice what we talk about (not so easy). I am always trying to understand him better; though I've had "bottom" partners before, he is the first truly submissive person I've ever been with (and I hope the only *cute face*); it's ingrained in him like his fingerprints. He's told me exactly what most of you have said, but it still made me smile to see that so many others have been in the same shoes; sometimes just knowing other people go through similar experiences makes you feel better about them. The lollipop story describes it exactly, thank you, doe.

*laughs* Thanks, fetishdj, but his lack of sexual pleasure isn't a worry *smug smile*. I know how to please him that way- a man's cock just can't lie. It's the other, regular life stuff I'm worried about.

Yes. My little one hates to talk. I have spent our entire relationship training him to communicate (which does not always include talking; we have lots of body signals and such that have clear meaning for us, also). I think this is just the next step for us, and a journal is at least worth a try. He's chosen to write me letters about particular issues in the past, and that worked well, so I think I will try this idea.

I've also tried "pointing out stuff immediately when it happens" training technique, which worked rather well yesterday. I had to interrupt our entire conversation in the middle of shopping to focus on it, but I think it was worth it. He got my point, apologized, and then I let him try again. Then he smiled. : P So we will see.

Agree completely. He does not handle desicion-making well; I love to decide everything, so in this way we go together well. I just feel that in order to make the best decisions, I need to have all of the information. I think stressing to him that he is, in no way, making any decisions and that I'm just asking for information from him will help.

devilishsub, I can't say I'm glad the internet ate your post (I hate when that happens); but I have to say your abridged version is extremely useful. I think I'm going to print it, especially numbers 1,2, and 3. It's just beautiful.

Of course we were going for a walk anyway. But if he's going to suffer for my sake, I want to know about it.

That was adorably sweet, Lisa. Thank you so much for sharing that. : )

Don't get me wrong. I love those kinds of things. He does that all the time. My issue was that he was hiding it- how can I appreciate his submission if he hides it? And I understand his thinking, too- I can only be fully happy if I know that he's happy, too, so he wants to hide his misery. The problem came in when this made me think he genuinely liked something that he didn't, or, in the cases where I really do need a second person's opinion (there are quite a few things in life that he knows more about than I do; in those cases, I want to know his thoughts!) But, when I look back on the level of communication we had in the beginning of our relationship, and how hugely it has improved and grown since then, I think this is just the next "roadblock" for us to get over. It hasn't been an issue lately, but next time it comes up, I have so many new ways to approach it thanks to all of you! : )

I'm sorry, but to me dominance is more than simply forcing a person into having a conversation (or doing anything) that they don't want to. I can talk until I'm exhausted, but unless he responds honestly, it's pointless. And you can't force a person to feel comfortable by ordering them to; that is the kind of situation that has to be approached delicately and on their terms until you're able to guide them to the point you wish them to be at.

For my little one, speaking his emotions or thoughts verbally is a terrifying thing. Me simply ordering him to not be afraid isn't going to work. You only dominate a person as far as they are willing to submit, and you never actually control someone else; they are choosing to submit to you. So I feel it is my job, as his domme, to help him find the root of the issue and to guide him in the direction I want with patience, pushing him just to the edge of where he wants to go, which is in this case, speaking his mind honestly even if he thinks I might not like what he has to say.

At no point am I asking him to make any decisions, either. I just need all of the information in order to make the proper decision, and his thoughts and feelings are part of the information that I need. That doesn't mean he gets to make any choices about what happens; it just means that if we're doing something he doesn't like, I want to know that (like how I know he hates to visit my mother, but he's not getting out of that one, ever).

05-24-2010 from Thread: If you like a good spanking....

My favorite? A flat, wooden spatula. Next favorite? Long, wooden spoon. Why? I think because kitchen implements carry a certain feminine connotation to them, and when I'm dominating my sub I like (and so does he) to emphasize my absolute femaleness over him...grrrr...
And I like wood because it has some give and has less chance of injury than metal. And plastic just doesn't slap as nice.

I do also love to use my bare hands to feel his hot skin myself; I save that for when he's all sensitive from being whacked by something else first.

And just because I like putting in my two cents where it wasn't asked for, I wouldn't consider a belt to be spanking; to me that would just be whipping on the ass. Also a nice activity.

06-12-2010 from Thread: Gags and Drooling!

For me I love drooling because it's a sign that he's lost control of a standard bodily function; the ability to properly swallow and keep his face clean to keep his dignity is removed by me, who inserted the gag.

I guess it's one part loss of power, one part humiliation. Delicious.

04-06-2010 from Thread: How to show submissiveness to a Dom

I don't know if I can speak for other Dominants, but how I feel about it is pretty simple:

If I was in a room of a bunch of subs (which for me would be guys but I don't think that matters, really), all wanting my attention, begging, pleading, grovelling or whatever, those things are nice, but the one who catches my attention is the quiet one in the corner. Eyes downcast at my feet, not my face, totally ignoring whatever else may be going on as his full attention is solely on me so that even if my back is turned, if I beckon him with the slightest wiggle of a finger, he'll silently crawl to me and wait patiently for directions, whatever they might be.

That is what submission means to me, anyway. Complete attention and patience; a blank slate for me to write on.

Well isn't that the definition of Mine, as in Mine, not someone else's. I've actually watched my sub's confidence with standing up for himself to other people grow stronger since he's known me, because he knows who's will it is he bends to and it's not theirs. (Though what is confident for him on a good day is still twenty miles from what is not confident for me on a bad day).

[shepinhim]

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Queening - from Romantic FemDom Relationship

Face-sitting, or queening, is a popular way of carrying out both rimming and cunnilingus, and it is also highly suitable for breath-control games.

The slave lies on his back, or rests his head on a chair, and the woman straddles his head and literally sits down on his face with her full weight. It is a most effective position for when a slave has to be “forced” to lick a woman, as his head can be clamped between her thighs, and the weight of her ass allows him little or no opportunity to move his mouth away from her cunt.

The woman can smother him to the point of suffocation until he complies with her order, and it leaves both her hands free for other punishments such as slapping, whipping, pinching, etc. Face-sitting causes a “tunnel effect”; a slave, trapped between a pair of soft warm thighs and surrounded by a woman’s ass, can see and hear very little.

This is made worse if the woman also allows her skirt to drop down and cover his face. His world is reduced to nothing more than a soft warm cunt grinding down on his face, which he is forced to lick, suck and gently nibble, under pain of suffocation or other tortures.

Positions are described as either forward or reverse. Forward is when the woman straddles the slave facing towards his head. This allows her to look down at the slave’s face, and see what he is actually doing with his mouth. She can also slap him, or pinch his nose closed to smother him even more, both good ways of getting a lazy tongue to move faster. With reverse face-sitting, the woman faces the slave’s feet.

In many ways, this is a much more effective and humiliating way of dominating a slave, because when the slave’s mouth is working on her pussy, it means that his nose is forced right against her anus. It can be more comfortable for the woman, creates a much more airtight seal, and also means that she can play with the slave’s cock easier.

[shepinhim]

Bondage Positions. Please envision a woman tying up her man like this.


1. Hands tied behind back and feet tied together

-Very basic but effective enough. One of my favorite activities when a domme has her boy tied up like this is forced cunnilingus on the bed. With his hands bound behind him and feet tied together he will be completely helpless and you can use him as you like. So simply lie back comfortably and have his mouth rest against your pussy. Guide his head with your hands and force his head against your clitoris instructing him to lick your pussy as gently or eagerly as you prefer. Incredibly dominant and erotic!

2. Hogtie

- The most salient feature of the hogtie is the rope attaching the bound wrists to the bound ankles. It is this feature which ensures that the hogtie delivers maximal restriction for the male submissive from minimal exertion on the part of his female captor. It has enduring popularity, particularly in Western Bondage. There are few ways of immobilising someone as effectively with as little rope as the basic hogtie. Even just tying ankles, wrists and a short line between them can be most debilitating and, if the knots are tied so as to be inaccessible to probing fingers, largely inescapable. It can even be made more restrictive by incorporating additional ropes above the knees and above the elbows, bringing them to almost touching behind his back.

3. Tied to a chair

- This is an incredibly erotic position for either a blowjob or lap dance. I love this as a CFNM scenario with the submissive male naked and the dominant female in a nice silk dress. Have him sit in an armless chair and then tie his wrists together behind the back of the chair and attach his hands to the chair. And then tie his ankles together and tie them to the chair legs on each side holding him in place. Also a good idea to pass rope around his chest further securing him to the chair. Now face your bound naked man and straddle his lap holding onto his shoulders for leverage while you ride him. Or kneel down and give him an amazing blowjob. To make him even more helpless and submissive, remove your panties from under your dress and panty gag him then use tape around his head a few times for a perfect panty tape gag.

4. Tied to the bed

- This can be done either by spread eagle formation and tying his hands together and attaching them to the headboard in the I formation. This is perfect for either riding him for sex cowgirl style or giving him a blowjob. A blindfold is a great addition to increase his sense of helplessness. If you have a four-poster bed, then you can tie his arms and legs directly to the posts.

[shepinhim]

Kink Test Shoots 104030 - Jessica Ryan, Charlie Valentine, Vanessa Vega & Slave Fluffy in Peeping Tom Gets Gangbanged.

Name: Jessica Ryan
Height: 5′4
Weight: 135
Hair: Red
Eye: Blue
DOB: September 3, 1986
Birthplace: Arizona, USA

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Name: Charlie Valentine
Height: 5′8
Weight: 134
Hair: Black
Eye: Brown
DOB: April 16, 1987
Birthplace: Las Vegas, Nevada

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Name: Vanessa Vega
Height: 5′4
Weight: 116
Hair: Brown
Eye: Brown
DOB: April 18, 1993
Birthplace: Los Angeles, California

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Name: Slave Fluffy
Height: 5′4
Weight: 130
Hair: Brown
Eye: Brown
DOB: September 15, 1982
Birthplace: Las Vegas, Nevada

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